vrijdag 20 juni 2008

OfficialDiagnosis: Asperger's Syndrome

Ambivalence vs. Balance

If someone would see me walking next to them on the street, they would not notice. I look like them, walk like them - at least I seem to walk like them even if I mostly look to the ground noticing the patterns of tiles, the color of them, their individual shape and markings, oh that one is badly chipped... even if I seem oblivious to the people around me, because I do not often look at them; but do I have to? I can tell where they are, how THEY are walking, if they are man or woman and how old from their voices, from their clothes that I take in at fast glimpses, from the sound of their high heels or squicky boots. I seem to walk normal, but I am not. I know it and they, all the others around me, do not.

I am not hiding it.

It is obvious as obvious as it can be, but it's their eyes and ears, or maybe brain that can't see me. Brain is what procesess the information coming in from our physical senses. My senses are in high alert, all the time. I hear everything, I see and notice everything, I smell everything, I feel everything -please stop touching me with that piece of paper that you are holding standing behind me on the line to the cashier's desk. Every time it touches my skin electricity shoots up to my brain. That is how much I CAN feel it, so please when I ask you to stop doing it once DO NOT give me that stupid look.

I can see you, I know you are standing behind me, and you are so absorbed by the phonecall you are making that you keep bumping on me with that piece of paper and you get annoyed when I finally grab that piece of paper and tear it to pieces and you call me names, in a loud even more annoying voice, saying that I am mental and your voice is hurting my ears and you should feel lucky that I did not punch you to make you stop all that noise you are making hurting my ears, hurting my brain, hurting my very soul.

But I have NO right to tear the paper that was causing me pain, or making you stop from hurting my ears with your loud angry ugly voice, cause you are NORMAL and I am not.

You feel anxious about this whole issue, don't you. This Autism thing. Because I am an "abnormal" that doesn't LOOK abnormal. I look normal on the outside. It makes you feel anxious cause you don't know when I might become dangerous, when I might use my abnormality against you. You wish I was normal. So that I could be predictable and thus also safe to be around. Normal is the same as being THE SAME, the same like you.

If we are both normal and both the same, you can feel like you know me, that you can just be as if you are looking in the mirror and I am your reflection and we are the same and we both know what the other is thinking and feeling.


You see that is what the society expects of all us human beings. We must be all the same to ensure we are all safe and all know what each other is feeling and thinking. Cause not knowing is not safe. Not knowing means that someone might be thinking something that could be hurmful to someone else.

That is also why of all disabilities, illnesses, syndromes, mental issues are the most fearful. Psycho killers are the no. 1 scary stuff. Because a psycho killer looks normal but can suddenly turn into a killer.

Not knowing whta the other feels and thinks are the basic issues that an autistic has with others. That is why they see us as abnormal. Thalt is why they are so keen in stamping or better brand-marking us disabled so that we are taught from early on that we are not as good as the normal ones and that we should never, never, never, ever... take it up against them.

They make sure we will loose if we do. Cause abnormality is NOT welcomed. Unless you can be like us, THE SAME, so that we can all know what you think and what you feel and so you can know what WE think and what WE feel, we don't wnat you in our society, you can turn a killer...

It is that simple. Once I read on a wall: "If you will not learn to respect us, you will learn to fear us"

The Neurotypical Society has brandmarked us, has labelled us, has diagnosed us, taped syndromes and low functions on us, has declaired us unfit to be equal to them, and insists we are LESS! Children of a LESSER mind.

We are not as good as them normals," so better learn to behave like us, better learn to pretend at least to be like us, better know how to fit in, or you will be left out, out in the cold, out alone, out with NO MERCY, you heartless and thoughtless human," we hear all around us, twenty plus years now...

How can you even call yourself a human being NOT knowing how your fellow humans feel, what your fellow humans think. How can you be a normal human being you creep!?!?

Yes, you are right. How can I? Why do I get all these depressions? Why do I become suicidal, self-abusive, a willing mute, a rocking-horse, a overgrown baby in diapers? I do it so you can see that I am not human. Maybe then, at least then, you might feel pity for me, care for me instead of abuse me, fear me, unlove me... I can't be human so what else can I be?

I am not a monkey, nor a butterfly as much as I wish I was. So what other choices do I have? I can become an extreme. A extreme mathematician, an extreme painter, an extreme day-teller and extreme musician, an extreme linguist, an extreme idiot if needed.

So WHAT am I? Who am I?

I am the mirror image. I am the other. But not the one YOU see. Because You see what your brain tells you to see, guided by the Gestalt that connects the dots and sees something that is NOT there.

It sees stars, dots in the sky, forming star signs; a bull, the taurus appearing out of thin air, a lion the Leo and a beautiful maiden the Virgo. The human brain can create images that are not there thanks to its Gestalt ability. It is a safety mechanism. It helps us protect ourselves. When we can connect the dots, the shadows in the grass, get also connected the new image spells "tiger" so we know when to run.

But Gestalt is not like a little flash light that you can turn on and then off.

It is there all the time. It does what it does all the time. It takes dots and connects them, it takes parts and conencts them, it takes the trees and shows you the forest. The trees become only parts that are conencted to a whole. It takes sheep and makes a flock. It takes cows and makes it a herd, it takes fish and makes it a school.

Gestalt is an ability that is meant to protect because there is safety in numbers. That is how the neurotypical brain works. It sees people and makes them a society, it sees people and makes them a group where all parts are the same, and in being the same and in being a group there is safety.

Humans need safety. We humans are born in the middle of the food-chain. We can be eaten. We are vulnerable lile the sheep and we know that there are wolves and tigers in the grass and we need the Gestalt to be able to "see" them inbetween the long grass blades. If we did not have Gestalt we would be unable to see the tiger as it is fragmented by the blades of grass, we would see shadows and only know we are in danger until it was too late.

But here is also the thing. Nature is wise. If it only made one of each kind, extonction would be much easier. It made animals that like on the ground and animals that live in water. Animals that fly and animals that crowl, it made animals that prefer to live at night and animals that prefer the daylight.

It only made one kind of human beings, though... Really??? Do you really believe that? Do you really believe that Nature and God are THAT stupid to make only one of a kind???

You see human beings are not just vulnerable like sheep, they are ALSO like wolves, tigers, hunters and killers. We are as I said, in the middle of the food chain. We can kill as well as we can kill others and eat them. We are hunters, killers.

We have great abilities as hunters but these contradict the "sheep" in us. The sheep is good, religion told us so. Being a sheep is rewarded, it is the proper thing to be. Sheep are guarded and guided by God we are told, sheep are safe in numbers for as long as there are NO WOLVES that is.

So, when human beings flock like sheep using their neurotypical Gestalt ability to see themselves as a group, as a society, as a civilized animal, they deprive themselves of an important part: the wolf, the tiger, the hunter and warrior in them.

Why do they do that? Because they were told that this part was bad. It was evil, unpure, dark and feared. It was the part that made us uncivilized, brutal, animals! I was like the dark side of the Moon, we know it's there but we do not want to see it. We see the Moon as a crecent not as the circle that it actually is.

Being different and not seeing, recognizing and accepting other's thoughts and feelings is what trademarks a killer, a hunter, isn't it???
The killer would be unable to kill and eat its pray if it could see, recognize and identify emotions in that meal. The hunter's instinct and his Gestalt ability is set on different rules and priorities. Its Gestalt needs to form other kinds of groups out of other kinds of parts.

Its brain looks to the ground seeking tracks, animal tracks, and then needs to group similar tracks to make out the kind, size, weight, and direction of the animal or animals. The brain of a hunter is not set to flock but to ungroup. If a hunter attacks its pray in numbers the pray will notice them much sooner. Very few animals, species of animals, hunt in groups. Most hunt alone.

Hunters are feared, because they need to kill to survive. Sheep are loved as they are the victims. Yet, Nature in its wisdom made both, because BOTH are necessary to keep an ecosystem's balance. We all now know what happens when there are too many sheep or too many wolves. Balance and equality is the key here.

Yet, when it comes to humans, neurotypicals assume that they have all norms in own pocket. They, the sheep, are the only normals and all who evoke this norm are witchhunted as fearful and unwanted.

I am one of society's unwanted. I am autistic, I am Asperger. I am. Until you learn to respect me, you will always fear me. Fear autism, fear the future of your kids, fear your own reflection on societie's mirror. Cause the more sheep there are, the more wolves Nature will create to keep the balance.

When the sheep accept the wolf in them there will be no need for external wolves. Once society looks into her own mirror and truly sees what is there with out labeling the sheep good and the wolves bad, then and only then it will not need to flock like scared sheep because in each and every sheep, there is an equally strong wolf hidding. Able to kill if needed to defend itself.
When we finally truly see ourselves for what we really are, accept our "dark" side our YIN as we accept our good, our "light" side our YANG, accept that everything is made in wisdom, then we will realize that human species is not one, but two. There are two and there are inside every and each ONE of us human beings. We are Yin and we are Yang.

For as long as we try to split these two apart in ambivelance, because we can't chose between our two human natures, our sheep nature and our hunter nature, the more we push one to overpower the other, the more we evoke a Law of Nature that says:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Human beings have been pushing the sheep, the "neurotypical herd" image as the one to be, forcing humans to ignore the tiger in them. Nature has for that reason now is turning them into Autistics so the balance is restored. It is the Law of Nature.

But neurotypicals can't see further than their selves. The see in every other around them: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, and one more like me, and one more and one more and one more...

Then they decide that Me equals Good. So, obviously and this is real NO BRAINER, everyone who is not Me, is also not Good.

Me = Good, Not Me = Not Good
Neurotypical = Good, Not Neurotypical =Not Good
Autistic = Not Neurotypical, Autistic = Not Good

Hmmm, maybe because Autistic is .... better???
Have YOU considered THAT possibility????

We all know science's need for precision. It clearly says that a correlationcan go always both ways. When one goes up the other goes down, but the opposite is also of value, that the same that goes up, has to be read as also coming down.
Nature is not linear.

All is round, the Earth is round and the sun ir round, it MUST be round. A line has no mass. The first solid form must be made of THREE lines. Not one not two but three! Yet, there is a solid shape that defies that law, human made law. A circle is ONE line that forms a solid shape. Not just a circle, that is two dimentional, but also a sphere, a ball, a planet, our Earth.

Time is also a line, humans think. Yes, it is but it is a circle, a sphere, a ball. Time is endless an endless round form.

Human brain can understand better 2 dimensions when it thinks. Gestalt connects dots, but only when they are presented in a 2-Dimensional form. When the shadow is split in pieces by the long grass blades, it makes teh shadow look 2-Dimensional, not 3-Dimensional as the original form that cast it.

The sheep see better 2-Dinesions. It helps them protect themselves better. It is something that Nature gave them so they can have a better chance at survival. Cows are the same. All herding animals see 2-Dimensions better than 3.

That is why they have eyes on the SIDES of their heads. They see with one eye at a time, they use both eyes but they take turns as they are being processed by the brain. Each eye sees 2-Dimensions, but they do NOT see the same image as we humans can. Our eyes are on the front of our heads. We can see 3-Dimensions.
We MUST see 3-Dimensions to be able to hunt!

Yet, we MUST also be able to see 2-Dimensions. That is the human advantage above all other hunting animals, all other killers. We do not have thick fair, or long claws, we don't even have long enough teeth. But we have a brain that is as sharp as a knife.

We can switch from 2-Dimensions to 3-Dimensions. We see more than the sheep, cause we see 3-D like the killers. We can see better than the killers because we can also see 2-D and notice them faster.

Seeing 2-D also gives us a hunting advantage. While other hunting animals become CONFUSED, when the herd starts moving and all they see is a blur unable to distinguish each animal because they do not have Gestalt! Animals do not have the Gestalt ability humans have.

This ability is what enabled us to speak, to create language in a verbal and written form. Speaking is connecting words as one would connect dots. We connect them and see a sentence.

Autistics (dyslexics and all other with reading problems), have these problems because their brain does not use Gestalt to connect these dots. The Autistic brain uses Gestalt to connect visual dots, making them a 3-D image. We think with pictures not words. We read and speak images.

When we talk, we translate an image we see and that is why our speech is frangmented, doesn't seem to flow, to form proper sentences and proper paragraphs. We do not use Gestalt in the same way. How DO we use it?
We use it the Autistic way.